aspirations · goals · growing up · habits · keep trying · who are we · writing

50 Blogs!

So, as I mentioned in the post, last night I was sitting on my bed writing my weekly blog entry and as I went to actually make it live I noticed that I was about to pass a real blogging milestone.

As you may already know, I have been trying to get more serious about my writing and (to misquote) ‘getting busy living’ in general. One of the ways that I am trying to do this has been a concerted effort since April to post a blog entry a week. I believe I have missed that goal only once. This gentle war of attrition has been my main writing success this year, well so far at least. I always put ‘weekly blog’ on my to do list each week and generally find myself grumbling about writing it on a Sunday evening. Still, it actually gets written and it’s one writing deadline that I have successfully met.

I usually write my blogs in a blank Word page. I try to think of topics all the time but usually they end up based on the thing that is bugging me, or that I am trying to resolve in my life. These blogs – based on the thing that is getting my knickers in a twist – are the ones that I like the most once I have sat down and actually written them, which isn’t always easy as it means trying to get my head in order. Once completed I always prefer them to the ones where I am trying to write to something that I thought of as a genius idea four months ago but which feel a bit artificial by the time I take a bash at it.

Each Sunday, after tidying the flat and updating my to do list and doing any other diversionary tactic that I can think of, I sit down at the laptop. I pretty much always think that I have nothing to say and that I will be lucky if I get to four sentences. I have to gently remind myself that four sentences would still be a blog entry and that there is no word count target on this task. So, I sit and I think and I write and before I know it I have usually thought out an issue and in the process filled a page of the screen. I look back, edit a bit, and then copy it into WordPress.

Sometimes I do worry about how fragile or stupid these musings may make me seem. I hate feeling remotely vulnerable and this makes me want to highlight entire paragraphs and delete them. In practice, I rarely remove the personal stuff. Instead I tend to walk away, make a cup of tea and return to read the section over again. This break gives me a tiny bit of perspective and enough time to remember that no one is really reading this anyway. It’s the reason that I use a nom de plume as opposed to my own name. The people who post as themselves are so much braver than I am.

Back to last night, well I was pasting in my final draft and I saw that it was my 49th blog post. That means that this will be blog 50. A quick look back tells me that there have been a number of false starts in the last five and a bit years but that I am also growing, I am learning to be a bit more of a grown up each time and, more importantly, a bit more accepting of myself. It’s been a really difficult five years with lots of pain and loss but I am still here and I am doing okay. I am Carol Harwood and 50 posts later I am still learning to be a bit more of a Sublime Spinster.


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