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New Beginnings – beta version

I have been VERY remiss in the last few years regarding this blog.  In many ways it truly has become a diary; lots of patches of good intentions and diligence followed by more fallow eras.

I think, in part at least, this is because I never had a clear notion of why I was really writing it.  As with my diary it became part personal therapy and part a place to just articulate those feelings and theories that I couldn’t share with anyone else, due to my ongoing spinster status.  I all too soon lost that thirst to find answers and solutions as ‘real life’ issues suckered me into my usual role of supporting player in another persons life, or death, story.

So, here we are at the start of another well-intentioned and focussed blogging era.  No doubt there will be more gaps and absolutely there will be a lot more rambling but, you see, dear distant friend, I have started on a new beginning this morning and I need somewhere to try and think out loud about this. My family and friends are all very supportive but I can sense the worry and confusion when I try to explain it all to them. They want to ‘get it’ but they just don’t as their life situations are so far removed from my own.

Since I started this blog – blimey, back in 2011 – I have very carelessly lost my Mum and my Gran.  I try to be mature and philosophical about this but I tend to over-shoot into flippant as the pain is just too overwhelming and raw even now.  I am left with one fabulous (but married and frenetically busy) brother as my only immediate family and this has gone a long way to exacerbate all those fears that lead me to start this blog – back when I wanted to find some ways to celebrate my state of freedom.

There have been other changes too since 2011; little people have been born to my dear, close friends.  I adore these little people and in the dark hours they have been the only sources of innocent joy BUT they also feed into the low-level regrets of this spinster that stop me from feeling very sublime.  They bring up one of the hardest, largely unspoken, issues of being a spinster in middle age; the issue of children (and, no, I refuse to talk about it as a ‘ticking clock’ – urgh!).

So, to get back to the title, I am trying a new beginning.  Don’t be alarmed, I am still overweight, inexperienced and clueless in the art of finding a mate; I truly don’t seen my spinster status ever changing. BUT I am consciously starting over in most other aspects of my life.  After six years in a job I never really liked and wasn’t suited to, last month I quit.  Today is technically my last day there but I took annual leave so I could suffer through a low-key leaving lunch on a Friday and not face a final Monday morning…

So here I am.  Alone. In a small flat that I own outright. I have a bit more money left in the bank (thanks Grandma). I have lots of books and DVDs. I have some lovely friends. I have lots of notions of other lives I could, or may even want, to live. I have even more doubts and worries about my own ability to be happy, or at least content, alone. I have 3 years, 1 month and a handful of weeks until I am 40 and I am going to try and find my path.  Please wish me luck!

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