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A little meltdown and some confessions…

I believe that my posts – despite my protestations to the contrary and best intentions – have been a little melancholy and for that I apologise.  You see, I’ve been trying to get my head around this being single thing for a while.  It’s at the centre of what I have to confess has been a ten year search to find some sort of purpose and direction in my life.  I go through these emotional dips and sometimes they mean a real meltdown.  I spiral inwards for a bit, loosing perspective on the world, and then thud to the floor and try to pick up the pieces and start moving forwards again.

As I mentioned in the last post, I do have to confess to having a substance abuse problem with so-called self help titles and these are often a way I try to start getting some onward momentum.  It’s not that I particularly believe in their mystical powers but I am a quotes junky.  I like those little nuggets that shake you in your core and make everything feel like it’s going to be OK and that you are on some kind of right track.  Rather like my turn of phrase, a lot of these are really just recycled platitudes but they can be very potent.  I keep them all in a book and I just noticed, while leafing through it for a new shot of inspiration, that I’ve been doing this for 10 years! You have to wonder at the effectiveness of all of this if it’s still ongoing but then, as the books would say, it’s all about the journey…  Actually I think Doctor Tom in (another confession, I’m a HUGE fan) Being Erica would say that but in a more profound way.  I don’t think I’m alone with the quote thing – I remember Kissing Jessica Stein’s eponymous heroine collected such quotes while trying to sort herself out.  Not sure she was doing it for quite so long though…

The quotes thing is part of a bigger confession – I am addicted to writing in little books.  I love journals of all shapes and sizes and I can’t quite help myself – whenever I’m trying to clear my head, find direction or work out a problem I love finding a new journal and a new thing to record or log in said book.  Often these moments of ‘genius’ are short-lived but I do recycle the usage of the book for my next project and they sit on this cute bookshelf which my Great Uncle made for my grandparents when they got married over 60 years ago.  Not sure it’s what he had in mind by I like the grandiose sense of history to it all.

What’s my current project?  Well, as you asked, it’s going to be working out what things I like.  Yes, I know that should be obvious to me but what I’ve noticed lately is that a lot of the things I think I like – and therefore should make me happy – actually leave me cold.  I think many of them are things I think I should like and somewhere along the line I’ve convinced myself that they are my thing when they’re not.  Some things I think I made myself like to please other people but now I’m spending more time alone I find them a chore.  I think others I might have grown out of.  I’m not sure where, if anywhere, this new project is going but right now I am converting a very cute Emma Bridgewater journal for the purpose and starting to make small lists in pencil…  So far I have the following:

  • English Breakfast Tea – brewed strong with whole milk
  • Scavenging shells from the beach
  • Eating a teaspoon full of Nutella from the jar
  • Log fires
  • Cut flowers from the garden – especially sweet peas, roses and lilacs
  • Going to the cinema – so long as there is enough leg room in the seat
  • Cherries – in all forms except yoghurt (though frozen yoghurt is fine!)

Random, I hope you’ll agree, but it’s a starting place.  There are a worry number involving food at the moment but I decided to skip some of those for now!

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