So, it transpires that there has already been a blog about the merits and cultural downsides of being a spinster. I’m not going to deny it, I was a bit crushed at first – especially as the author was a LOT better than me at displaying their blog too.
In a way, though, it’s a bit of a relief – I’ve been avoiding the hard work of focussing on getting my own head OK with the spinster status by idly Googling for candidates for Spinster of the Month. A title which is not only slightly dubious as an award but also getting a long way from the point. Yes, I’d like some role models but really I just want to muse here as a way of getting my own head more positive on the subject. I need to find a way that I can feel OK about my single status and stop hiding away in my flat. Alone. Because, unlike the clichés, I don’t have a cat.
Whilst we are on the subject of breaking the clichés; I don’t covet designer shoes (mainly because I have huge feet and can’t walk in any heels over about 1 cm), I’m not terribly bookish and cultured, and I am totally lacking in career focus. In fact my quest for a career option could be a whole other blog…
So, the real spinster me… Well, I am bored on a daily basis by my local government job, I am constantly broke, I watch way too much TV and I am trying to be better. I’ve never had any goals really. Even as a child I had no idea of who I wanted to be when I grew up – circumstances meant I was too busy avoiding the here and now by hiding my head in books and movies to bother thinking about the future.
There are lots of things I quite like doing; like sewing and driving but nothing that takes all my focus and really inspires me. I spend a lot of time reading those books that come from that section in the library or bookshop – the ones with silly titles about how you can change your life and become the idealised version of you that was lurking inside you all along. But they are all either total garbage or they seem to be based on the notion that you have some idea of what that ideal version of you is. I guess that’s why the single thing rankles – it’s not just the social suicide that frustrates me; I know we’re all alone really and that most relationships aren’t as they appear from the outside, but I want to want something. I want to avoid slipping any further into this little bubble I have created around myself; a place that protects me from the world but at the same time stops me from really feeling and engaging with the world. It leaves me in the world, not of it – to bastardise a quote from Sabrina.
So, here I am and I’m going to try to be me from now on – the good weeks and the bad weeks – and I almost hope that no one does read this as I suspect I’m not going to be interesting enough to warrant an audience. I don’t even know why I feel compelled to do this in such public obscurity – I guess it’s a pact with you, the imaginary reader, and me that I will try my best to keep looking and not just hiding on the sofa. I will reflect and act. I will learn to love my single self.